Message to my Unborn Offspring(s)

As I am 30 plus years old and no children of my own and no children on the horizon; I've decided to blog to them a few gems.


Now for you sensitive types I do plan on having children in marriage only and well since they are my kids I can talk to them any way I want to ..cause they mine.


To my daughter:
I'm sorry you were born a woman. Not that I'm sorry I had you but I'd rather have had all sons. Well that being water under the bridge I am glad you are healthy and look nothing like me. But I digress:

1. You are better than everyone else;


2. There is no Santa Claus; no white man is going to slide down my chimney and give you a damn thing;


3. You are not getting a damn pony or a horse or horseback riding lessons;



4. If you listen to me closely you will be able to get everything you want from a man without doing a damn thing...don't be a ho;


5. Daddy will always love you unless you get pregnant before your first Phd or are a slut;


6. I am not paying for your wedding, the dude you marry will be wealthy enough to afford the ring, the wedding and the damn pony you want!

To my son:
My dude glad you are here and healthy. Let's cut to the chase cause I am sure you have some young lady to give the old trouser snake to, responsibly, of course:

1. You are better than everyone else;


2. Wrap your willy, dont trust her..even if you marry her;


3. There is no Santa Claus, but there is a Mrs. Claus and she slides down poles and can give you a gift or two; please see #2.


4. Don't be gay...and if you so happen to be gay, I love you but you will love sports, guns and women when you are around me and you will not have that effin lisp or condescending attitude..ok keep the attitude;


5. Women are easy...get in their heads and you can get in their pants; their snaeakier than you so smash and dash;


6. Dont get married or have kids; before your first million is in the bank;


7. You will hate the Cowboys, WV Mountaineers, The Ravens, Duke, LA Lakers and all things BET and trendy!
   

Congratulations you won the Daddy lottery. I am the best man you will ever meet. Trying to live up to my expectations is necessary but futile. Go forth and take over the world and yes I know you are only 2 years old but you understand me damn it..and don't you talk back to me....ever.